Why do we find it so hard to say sorry? This is a question I keep asking myself, especially seeing just how difficult it is for both the adults and children around me to say sorry.

Saying a genuine sorry sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But in reality, the act of saying sorry to somebody you’ve hurt or to a person who says you’ve hurt them, is an altogether different thing.

Have you noticed just how reluctant young children are to saying sorry to one another when they’re playing, and one of them gets hurt? One child could be screaming their head off and crying their eyes out, but when an adult comes and says, “say sorry” the offending child will stare at you in astonishment, fold their arms and say, “No I’m not going to say sorry because I didn’t do anything.”

Even though it’s clear that the other child is in distress, the culprit will refuse to say sorry.

And if a sorry does come, it does so grudgingly.

The sorry is not a sorry you believe.

I think it’s interesting to observe how young children behave when they’re told to say sorry because they’ve done something wrong. Notice how they act when they hurt you, or another child in some way, or when they break, damage, or do something they shouldn’t have.

It’s funny to observe a child’s reactions with the awareness I have now, because I see that we adults behave in precisely the same way.

It makes sense that the act of saying sorry is difficult for us as adults, because it was just as difficult for us as children.

When we were children, we were told to say sorry when we did something wrong. Now as adults, we still equate the act of saying sorry with the uncomfortable feeling we got when we were told that we had done doing something wrong.

Nobody wants to feel that way do they?

Children don’t like to be told they’ve done something wrong, so they defend themselves in all sorts of ways. In most cases they will refuse to say sorry for what they’ve done, especially if they believe they’re innocent.

I’ve seen adults struggling with themselves when they’re told to say sorry, and I think this must be due to the same sense of, “I didn’t do anything wrong, so why should I say sorry,” that we had as children.

But why is it important to say sorry to each other at all?

Well, in my view, when we realise, we’ve hurt someone through our words or actions, especially if that person makes it clear to us that they’re hurt, we should have the humility to be able to say a heartfelt sorry.

We should do this in recognition that our deeds have caused another hurt and pain.

Acknowledging somebody else is pain, is a simple act of humanity. When we say sorry, we send a clear message to the other that we not only respect their feelings, but we also value our relationship.

On the contrary, our resistance to apologising, can be construed as disrespecting the other’s feelings, which can in turn undermines and devalues our relationship.

Having said that, we perhaps avoid saying sorry or asking for forgiveness, because we equate saying sorry with the loss of power or to us losing the psychological battle.

For many of us, saying sorry implies weakness that leaves us wide open and vulnerable to further attack.

Yet, I believe that having that ability to say sorry is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of maturity. Being able to show vulnerability, especially to our nearest and dearest ones is a sign of growth that can powerfully transform our relationships.

It also reflects our courage, compassion and understanding for one another.

Moreover, I think saying sorry lessens the burden caused by the initial conflict and is additionally the requisite that gives space for both parties to heal.

And so, saying sorry is not necessarily an admission of wrongdoing. What it is above all, is an acknowledgment that we value our relationships more than we do our egos.

Because essentially, our resistance to saying “I’m sorry” is due to our ego.

The ego is a very powerful and necessary component of our human personalities. However, if left unchecked, the ego can be very destructive.

In the context of saying sorry, it’s the ego aspect of your personality that will refuse to say sorry.

This is because your ego believes its role is to defend whatever stance you’ve taken in any given situation.

Your ego wants to uphold your position of power at all costs and has an unrelenting need to be right. So, when it senses that it is losing the battle, it will begin to fight, defend, and argue.

The ego will keep fighting to maintain your standpoint.

And yet, seeing this ego play in action is very difficult, because most of us are unable to attribute our behaviour in such situations to our ego.

Recognising the workings of your ego requires awareness, attentiveness, and the willingness to really see all the situations where your ego rears its head, and the types of behaviours it can manifest into.

For example, when you find yourself becoming irritated because someone is challenging your point of view, the irritation you feel is due to your ego. Or, when you’re arguing with someone and they refuse to back down because they know they’re right, they continue to argue because of their ego.

From your ego’s point of view, saying sorry is an admission that you were wrong, which it cannot do. Even when you realise in hindsight that you were in fact wrong, your ego will not allow you say sorry.

And so, the more you can apologise and say sorry, even when it feels terribly uncomfortable and leaves you feeling open and vulnerable, the more you win will over your ego.

The less your need to defend being right, the less conflicts you will attract, and the more harmonious life will be for you.

So, try to say sorry even when you know you are right, say sorry when you haven’t done anything wrong. Say sorry because it makes the other feel better and say sorry because you value your relationships more than you do your ego.

Say sorry because in the end, it will be you who benefits.

Saying a heartfelt sorry lightens your load and will ultimately lead to your personal growth, healing, and the transformation of all your relationships.