In my last post, I touched briefly on the subject of separation, but I spoke more about the
separation we as humans feel with ourselves, our loved ones, with nature and with the
world at large. I didn’t go into detail about why regaining our sense of connectedness with
one another and nature is important.  I will explore this further in future posts.

So in this post, the big question I really want to ask, which still relates to separation, is why
we as individuals and as a collective humanity choose to separate ourselves from each other
when we have a problem?

Why do we use separation as our means of problem-solving?

Does ostracising others and ourselves solve the problems we have with one another? 

Does it go any way towards healing the pain we feel?

I think the quick answer to this is No it doesn’t!

Then what causes us to persist with this method of problem-solving? I have one or two
theories that I will attempt to explain here.

Well for many of us, myself included, it’s normal for us to give each other the cold shoulder
or silent treatment when we feel hurt, disappointed or let down in our relationships with
others, would you agree?

Some of us go as far as not speaking to one other sometimes for years at a time rather than
communicating the pain we feel honestly and openly.

We especially use the silent treatment in our intimate relationships, don’t we?

And isn’t it so common in family relationships to find various members simply not speaking
to each other? I’m sure many of you reading this have one or maybe even more close family
members to whom you are currently not speaking to?

I think the truth is, our behaviour has become so much a part of us that we don’t even
question it or think it’s strange.

Because I think for most of us this behaviour pattern started in our childhoods.
Do you remember how easy it was to break up with your best friend at school—I know you
can relate to what I’m talking about because we’ve all been there and done that haven’t we?

Personally, I can remember breaking up with many best friends growing up, it was a regular
occurrence. I’m talking about my very best friends—you know the ones I would spend every
waking moment with, playing, laughing, exploring and sharing secrets with.
But one small disagreement could change the whole situation.

And in the blinking of an eye, from one day to the next we could go from best friends to
worst enemies. Then I would find myself giving or being given the silent treatment, while
desperately trying to avoid making eye contact with them in the playground.
Ring any bells?

So what is it that makes us want to separate ourselves sometimes for years at a time
when we feel hurt?

Well, I think there are two main reasons for this.

The first reason I think is our EGO—Yes it’s our dreaded ego at work again! Because when
we find ourselves in conflict situations, it’s our ego that immediately jumps up and tells us
we are right and the other is wrong. Our ego stops us from forgiving and letting go of the
issue and instead repeatedly justifies, defends and legitimises our feelings, keeping us holding
on to the hurt.

The second cause, which may require a little more consideration, is our own individual sense
of inner separation.

Ok, but what exactly does this mean I hear you ask?

Well, put simply, for me our detachment from one another stems from our own inner conflict. This
conflict we feel with ourselves doesn’t allow us to be at peace and in turn, our lack of inner
peace prevents us from having the open, honest heartfelt communication with ourselves that
we should be having.

In losing touch with ourselves, we also lose touch with our hearts, which leads to our
difficulties in communicating honestly and openly with each other.

And so our lack of inner integrity causes us to unconsciously lie to ourselves without even
realising it.

We lie to ourselves about how we really feel. We lie to ourselves about the part we play in
the conflict situations we find ourselves in and we of course lie to each other. Then in order
to make ourselves feel better, we allow our egos to push the blame onto the other.

If we look at our world today, the results of our sense of inner separation; the separation
between our hearts and minds can be seen across every stratum of our so-called civilised
societies.

We see it in the minor and major conflicts we experience in our personal relationships as well
as on a global scale, in the conflicts, we see exploding in myriad countries around the world
because of differences in race, religion, culture, sexuality, power and money.

It seems the collective dystopia we see reported every day on our radios and TVs does nothing
to bring us closer together or change the way we think or relate to each other. Rather it seems
to do the complete opposite, of making us more and more disconnected from one another.
So what is the answer? 

How can we come together in times of conflict and hurt rather than move apart?
Well, I think the simple answer is communication, communication, and once again
communication!

The truth is our problems with one another on an individual or mass level will never get
resolved if we stop communicating with each other during times of conflict—in fact when we
break communication our problems only fester and get worse. So the answer here is to strive
to keep our lines of communication open especially during conflicts.

Personally, I’ve found that when we communicate honestly from our hearts this is the
fastest and surest way to resolve a conflict.

And by honest communication I mean really allowing ourselves to be seen by the other by
showing our vulnerability.

But I understand that being vulnerable is very difficult for most of us because we associate
vulnerability with weakness and of course no one wants to show weakness in front of others
right?

We want to be seen, as strong, powerful and in control at all times don’t we?

But for what it’s worth in my opinion, showing vulnerability doesn’t mean weakness, on the
contrary for me allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in front of others is an acknowledgement
of our fallibility; an acknowledgement of our humanity.

Because making mistakes is part and parcel of being human.

The important lesson is to learn from our mistakes—but we can only learn and grow through
recognising and acknowledging the mistakes we make.

Do you know what inspired me to write this post? It was the death just last month of a dear
friend of mine. She was a lovely, amazing and dynamic woman I met at John of God in
Brazil in 2015.

She was so full of life, love and compassion.

Her untimely death started me thinking about all the time we waste in conflict with one
another. All the years we spend not speaking to loved ones, dear family members and friends
for reasons we cannot even remember.

It made me realise just how short life really is, so why do we spend so much of it not talking
to the important people in our lives?

It’s baffling don’t you think?

The truth is I also have important family members I’m currently not in communication with.
Although it’s painful, I understand that all I can do on my part is to keep my heart open and
simply keep trying to make contact.

And whilst I understand that it’s not in my power to change how they behave, it is in my
power to change how I behave isn’t it?

So for anyone reading this who I may have hurt, ignored, given the silent treatment, not
spoken to for whatever reason—to all of you…

I say a heartfelt I’m sorry and I ask you to please, please forgive me, because life really is too
short to hold a grudge.